even my farts smell like vagina
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
