were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
