i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
