I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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