so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
