shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Randomize
