The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
