she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
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