I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
