I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize