wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
