Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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