who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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