There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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