There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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