I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
