I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
If I die, sorry about rent.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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