fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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