i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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