I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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