The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
