I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
