I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize