remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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