Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize
