38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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