He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
