i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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