dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Randomize
