yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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