All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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