Where is the hickey?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
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