ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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