I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
