Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
