I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
