Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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