so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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