Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
