Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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