i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
