i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
