Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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