apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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