Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
