got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
