ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
