Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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