i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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