Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize