I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
