Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
