Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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