im drinking this country out of the recession.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize