He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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