Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
