I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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