Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
