Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
A bitchslap is in order.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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