dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
