I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
