piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize